Refusal of the Call Saddens Malexander Supertourist

Tower of London

First let me say, the Tower of London consists of multiple towers. More surprising is that this impressive complex is a bustling small village within the thick walls. Housing many exhibits (including the monarchies Crown Jewels) this military fort is also home to a population of Beefeaters. Also referred to as “Yeoman Wanders”, the Beefeaters are all retired Armed Forces non-commissioned/petty officers with extensive service, now serving as the ceremonial guard of the royal and historical fortress. The village inside the Tower of London even offers them three pubs within the complex. Point being, this ancient and thick structure appears barren from the outside (off set from the rest of the city by an expanse of lawn which was historically a massive moat) is really a bustling and charming place. Also an interesting superstition England has upheld for hundreds of years, is there must always be a group of ravens housed at the Tower; if not, the monarchy would crumble and England would topple with all things dastardly. So the ravens are treated as royalty, their wings are clipped (otherwise free to roam/hop/fly the grounds), and there are official 'back-up' ravens on call in Scotland and Wales.
Initially a military fortress build by William the Conqueror, the structure has never been taken during any siege. Over time, the structure has been expanded, utilized as a elaborate guest house before the transition into a prison and execution site. Most famous for housing and killing off Henry VIII's wives (fun fact: Anne Boleyn was imprisoned in the Queen's House addition to the Tower: a wedding present from the King before she was executed for alleged adultery, incest, and treason), the central White Tower features several of King Henry VIII's suits, one suit featuring a wonderfully bulbous codpiece built into the armor. The Tower has an intensive history, though our visit was cut short in order to catch a matinee performance. 

TATE Modern

Located on the South Bank across the Millennium Bridge from St.Paul's Cathedral, the TATE Modern features art that only gets weirder the more floors you journey upwards. All the Picasso and Dali is closer to ground floor, while the upper floors may contain a Warhol or two; otherwise things get pretty experimental. Which isn't a bad thing as long as its your kinda thing, and after three trips to the TATE Modern, I don't think its my kinda thing. But here's a modern art lesson from Michael Baldwin: 

Find a mirror in your house. Any ordinary, unassuming mirror. Give it a good wipe with Windex to clear off any dust, rust, or toothpaste that might have gathered on the surface and collected in interesting natural forms. Now, if you can't rehang that mirror in a museum like the TATE Modern, just imagine it's hanging in a museum like the TATE Modern. Examine the work of art (or mirror) with thoughts like "it captures it's environment and converts the world to art itself!" then qualify the artist with phrases like "this masterpiece is genius- art and reality are converged and translated into one". Now sell this basic household mirror at top dollar to any museum that hasn't heard of Michael Baldwin. Failing that, this is a free lesson in turning your bathroom into a modern art museum. Now examine the bristles of your toothbrush with your new found appreciation for modern art. 

Duke of York's Theatre; Farinelli and the King

This new play by Claire van Kampen features the return of Mark Rylance to the London stage. A creative retelling of the famous castrato singer Farinelli, swept off the opera stage to perform exclusively for Philippe V, the ailing King of Spain. Performed in classical style, with string accompaniment and lit mostly by candle chandeliers and footlights; similar to the signature style in which Rylance led the Globe Theatre as Artistic Director. The performance also featured two Farinellis: played by Sam Crane during dialogue and Owen Willetts for the opera arias. This dual actor trick worked in harmony with the dialogue, in which Farinelli describes his performance persona as separate from himself; an identity created by his composer brother (who castrated him at age 10) and audience expectation. The two actors did not acknowledge the other's presence until the final moment of the show, when Farinelli parts with his career; creating a touching moment as Farinelli denies a summons to return to the operatic stage. Owen Willets beautifully delivered seven arias within the play, five of which composed by Handel. Mark Rylance delivered immaculate comic timing: the first scene of the play reveals the King sitting in bed, fishing from a goldfish bowl, and attempting a dialogue with the obstinate gold fish. This first scene featuring Rylance alone was worth the ticket price, despite the strange feedback (similar to tinnitus) the speaker system delivered through most of Act I. 

The Barbican; Hamlet

Benedict Cumberbatch as Hamlet makes this production one of the hottest tickets in town amongst schoolgirls. Or rather Hamlet as Benedict Cumberbatch makes schoolgirls around hot for tickets. Whatever. Cumberbatch is a fine actor. Still, I was unimpressed with this impressive effort of a production, making full use of what was probably the largest production budget I've ever seen. Visually, the show was stunning. Still, schoolgirls taking flash photos of the pre-show "no photography" signs signified how Cumberbatch's star power was blinding and impossible to look past. And his efforts were admirable. Otherwise, the cutting of the text was so dreadful, most character relationships paled through the stripping of text to streamline the play to Cumberbatch's next big monologue. Polonious was not a spymaster; he became a bumbling clown whose death (a real turning point in the play) became laughably secondary within the scene. There was more established chemistry between Horatio and Hamlet as a bro-mance than between Ophelia and Hamlet as lovers. Despite the multi-award-winning cast (even Cumberbatch's supernova star power), supported by a massive set, complimented by film noir lighting, and ornamented by rich costumes: this was a hack-and-slash brutalization of the original text. My favorite moment of the show was the anti-climatic close after everyone was dead, in which the English ambassador was eliminated and those lines not cut given to Young Fortinbras. This meant that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern's deaths were never confirmed, so I like to believe in the world of this production their still out there (take that Stoppard!). My Shakespeare professor decided he'd rather be at Wednesday mass and walked out at the interval. My other two professors didn't applaud, instead one stuck her fingers in her ears to drown out the wailing of schoolgirls at curtain call. So A+ for making schoolgirls excited about Shakespeare, but C- on actually doing Shakespeare justice. 

However, there was an interesting moment during curtain call when Cumberbatch used is star power to hush the deafening cheers to recite a poem and make a note about Syrian refugees. An admirable moment from a celebrity, Cumberbatch encouraged everyone to donate to charities. Then he acknowledged that most the audience were broke schoolkids, and encouraged them to harass their professors to donate instead. Exit Hamlet to thunderous applause and screeching, while schoolgirls stormed the stage door he would never appear from.

The National Theatre; Pomona

Well then, Pomona. Performed in the Shed, the black box, in-the-round theatre space at the National. Cast of seven characters. Dark atmospheric design. Cthulhu mask. That's about all I'm certain of. 
A young woman travels to dark places in search of her missing twin. I think. Somewhere nestled among the dark themes of the play (like prostitution, snuff films, organ harvesting, contract killing, etc) there was a H.P. Lovecraft themed Dungeons and Dragons Role Playing Game. So the search for the sister could itself have been a dark Role Playing Game that then featured a game within the game? Or the game(s) were commentary on the repeated cycles of violence within cultures? 
A verdict is hard to reach. There were extremely dark themes addressed, contrasted with 100 Chicken McNuggets, quirky fetishes, and a humorous summary of Raiders of the Lost Ark. The show began with the demise of most of the characters, and ended (not resolved) with the story arc set for another revolution (I think). I had to buy the script to dissect this complex play to a further extent. To condense my review to a single sentence: "pitch black comedy delivered any way but linear". A rare experience experienced rarely in theatre.  

Free weekend, wherein I shall stay in the City of London recovering from a cold and puttering about. Many have departed for places like Paris or Amsterdam. Good riddance to them and to myself.